if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
