Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
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i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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