I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
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Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
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They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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