awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
