There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
