I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
