We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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