Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
