Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
