Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
