Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
