So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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