I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
