textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize