I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
