I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
