ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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