Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
