You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
