You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
