i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
