So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
