omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
