I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
