God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
