i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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