I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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