you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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