My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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