Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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