i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
