I think I just saw someone hide a body.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
