There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
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I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
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Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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