my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
In America we eat man semen.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.