If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm