make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
