Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
