She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
