I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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