i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
