I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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