Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
