dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
