Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
