His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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