i need an iv and a liver transplant
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
