They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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