If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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