so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
