i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
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Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
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I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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