my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Randomize
