the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
