I just saw a hot homeless man
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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