Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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