2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
