There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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