To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
