Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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