I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
