i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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