Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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