If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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