the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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