I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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