life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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