jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
